"Feeling the way that I do it's hard to keep focus", It's funny that soon as I started to post the beginning of Jill Scott's Spring Summer Feeling came on. This is exactly the deal right now. I've been bumping my girl Jilly from Philly for the past 45 mins or so trying to overcome the feeling to go outside on my porch and smoke. I have 3 more left in my pack that I thought I wouldn't touch because the last time that I smoked my chest felt extremely heavy as hell afterward. I think I'm gonna break down and smoke anyway and just suffer the consequences. This whole month has been rough as hell. Nothing but, days and nights spent crying and then sleeping because if I'm woke I'll just cry. I never got so much sleep in life without feeling more tired. I'm up all night long until the birds chirp. My usual bed time is about 6AM. I don't usually wake up until around 1pm and then I'll force myself back to sleep until about 4pm or 5pm just so I don't have to deal. I know. It sounds like a real lazy cop out right? I'm lucky to get any work done because about 80% of the time I just can't focus or I'm irritated as hell. I swear if my cash flow was right, I'd be on a train somewhere and getting off at whatever stop I woke up too. I'd walk the streets of an unknown city where nobody would know me. I'd probably even walk them late at night too and dare someone to try some shit. I dont' think I'd check into a hotel. Maybe I'd just find a cafe or Coney Island and sit in a booth, smoke, and write until daylight. I'd shut my phone off so that nobody could contact me. It would just be me, myself, and I. Then after my journey was over I'd come back home move into a new place without telling anyone my address. I wouldn't even unpack. I'd enjoy the white walls and solitude. Then after that I guess I'd return back to reality and look at everyone like, What? We all need to escape sometime.
2 comments:
This is so true...my S.O. and I have been going through lately... small things, but enough to rock the boat...
I just defended my Masters last Wednesday, but do to circumstances, I lay in bed with him next to me, feeling so lonley and frustrated, with tears streaming down my face, and sliding into my ears and onto the pillow...when I should have been out popping bottles...
In an instant I contemplated getting in my car and driving as far as my energy would allow me to...sleeping in some strange hotel, maybe a fancy one, splurging on room service ...
I realized that I feel as though I don't always feel appreciated...maybe even taken for granted a little by this man... this man that I do my best to treat as a king...
And sometimes, we do need to escape, to get away... to turn off the phone. Individuality and space is important especially when you're in a serious relationship... or have issues with family and friends...
Maybe because I am in a similar place right now, I can feel you, and what your saying... your words and energy was so sharp and brutally honest...
I thank you for that...I find comfort in commonality, and in knowing that this too shall pass, and brighter and happier times are on the horizon...
Be Blessed Sis...
BabyBrown
mommabrown.com
Thanks. You're right we don't always to have to go far to escape. Lately I've been turning my phone off for very long periods of time throughout the day and not returning phone calls and such. I know what you mean about feeling lonely and frustrated.So many tears have streamed down face and slid into my ears and the pillow its not even funny. Yea, I hope this does pass and I can't wait until it does. Keep your head up and be strong!
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